how to Install software

[suereyya poyraz <poyraz_bEi_uni-duesseldorf.de>]

Computer users, take note.

"How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program" by Dave Barry (from his
book
"Dave Barry In Cyberspace" well worth the price in laughs)

1.  Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box
that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It
should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2.  Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain
detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the
software. Throw it away.

3.  Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that

says: LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter
agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following
agreement
that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N.
Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order
of
the Elks and such other terms & conditions, real and imaginary, as the
Software Company shall
deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's

home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear
drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us
part, one
nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light, finders keepers, losers
weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your
servers.

4.  Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say,  "(Name of
child), please install this on my computer."

5.  If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6.  Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7.  Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8.  You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which
the
following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would
be
the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?  Choose one, and
be
honest:


YES       or     SURE


9.  After you make your selection, you will hear grinding  and whirring
for
a very long time while the installation program does God knows what in
there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular
structures,
so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an
entirely new device, such as a food processor.  At the very least, the
installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories
and
sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of
mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and
"doo.wha."

10.  When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.
If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of

breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately
*!_bEi_!$)$%_bEi_&*^^)$*!#$_$*^^&

11.  At this point your computer system should become less functional
than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with
furniture.

12.  Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to
you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through

12.